Random Thoughts

 I never saw it this way until last year. The theme of my life every year.

It brought itself to my attention and then I got the cue. Every year has a particular theme to it which defines what we were like in that year. Our obsessions, lessons that we might have learnt, the ruling metaphor for that year of our lives, a particular person, subject or thing which somehow keeps recurring in patterns as though to deliver a message that's been missing in our lives.

Last year, 2015 was the year captured by Don Quixote la Mancha for me. In every sense of the name, including an adventure to a far away land to complete the analogy.

This year, it's been Temperance.

Looks connected, the two of them. Temperance which has been the key theme in many people's bildungsroman. Saying is very easy, but learning from your mistakes and not repeating them, the effort at least not to, is a tremendous exercise. So I am at it. 

Change of seasons and all the things I notice about it

It comes twice. Early April and late September. In strikingly similar style yet different notes - the change of seasons. The days become windier, sunnier and alive with anticipation for something unknown that is coming. For all these years it has been Nature that has been bringing things to my notice. This year it has been some unresolved issues now falling into place, or so it seems, which have stressed this pattern in my world. Time indeed speaks silently...

and it makes things come to pass. Scars lighten, the mown grass grows back again, things begin to move.Yet,we fret over things and people failing to see the phantasmagoria of human emotions we weave around us and knowingly subject ourselves to.


 I only hope that we don't live our lives chasing these shadows, trying to grasp the meaning of life, trying to make sense of our own personal lives...sometimes I wish we lived our lives only in our actions, only in our lived life instead of the tick tock of a clock time. At the same time I also know that that cannot be and that there is a reason for this. That is why it is wishful thinking on my part.

A sense of being full up to the brim, a smooth, rippleless surface. No spilling nor wanting in its brimming awareness. I like it this way.  

regaining what's lost..

This too is possible,
 regaining what was lost.
Like nature and all that shit around you
which constantly speaks of the possibilities,
You, yourself and those giving you the last second chances to you,
Just knowing how it feels to be beaten by time and life
Knowing exactly how much and what to say.
Like all the signs that made you depressed is really speaking of the promises you've kept
The storms that you've weathered and how far you've come.

It's like they are conspiring to save you, their precious little child from getting lost
Constantly putting out their palms to soften the fall whenever you do.
Sometimes it's not just the show of love or the words that you hear or even the gestures
But just the unfailing feeling of you being salvaged as though from a raging fire,
As if to forge you of gold they had put you in it

Phoenix is a symbol too overrated for the situation now,
It's me, just me in flesh and blood and I am enough.

The Coming of age..

It comes slowly
But for certain
It comes.

You are not done until you get it.
Either you get it or you don't.
Either you make it or forever remain in the infancy of adulthood under the wing of a father, shielded by a husband, a boyfriend or something of that sort.

Differently, mysteriously, unsuspectingly it gets you when all along you thought it is you who got it.

Life's pace slows down.
Every encounter, every conversation leaves you wiser till you begin to look forward to many more such encounters and exchanges to  test yourself, to verify your direction.
For me, it has surreptitiously come by in moments when I find myself watching my smiles, tongue or seeing myself from a stranger or a third person's point of view or find myself slowing down my thoughts where possible, giving a second thought about my impulsive reactions and opinions about others, training myself to let go of things or while I remind myself to accept the fact that I need not do everything and know everything. Therefore, humility.

To step back and keep silent. To understand that yours is not always the center  stage for the taking.

To know who is pulling your strings under the guise of flattery, to know when I am being played and how. Just a moment of pulling back to make out what's really going on around of a field where you thought you had been the player.

TEMPERANCE is the precious defining, individualized lesson from this part of my life.

It boils down to one thing:

Actually, no one really cares.